What NOT To Say

Having a mastectomy and/or oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) can be very emotional for women, and their spouses, whether the woman has cancer or not. I think this is because the breasts and ovaries/hormones are so connected to woman's femininity and sexuality. And obviously her fertility. These things often define who a woman is, so removing them can be traumatic. It can force a woman to re-evaluate who she is and where she's going from here. It can impact her self image. Women who haven't had these surgeries can't fully understand these deep emotions. They may say something to a friend or family member that is meant as 'look on the bright side', but is actually hurtful. I'd like to give a couple examples of these types of comments that can be insensitive, even if they aren't intended to be so. Also, if the woman having the mastectomy and/or oophorectomy says these things, trying to find some silver lining, that's her prerogative. But let her say it, not you. 

"At least you'll get a boob job out of it!"

This particular comment is THE WORST! I get sick to my stomach when I hear it. It shows a complete lack of understanding about what a mastectomy is. 

A boob job is an incision under the breast, where the scar won't be seen, and inserting an implant. Nothing is removed. The look and feel of the woman's breast tissue is still there. Nipples remain. Sensation remains. I'm not sure about pain or recovery time, but I believe it's generally minimal. At least that's what the radio ads say. 

A mastectomy surgery actually removes ALL the breast tissue. And possibly the nipples. This leaves the woman with skin and empty pockets (if she has skin sparing surgery). Some women choose to not have breast reconstruction, in which case they get stitched up and live their life without breasts. If a woman chooses reconstruction, there are multiple follow up doctor appointments and surgeries. Filling tissue expanders (slowly, a week at a time), pain from stretching the chest muscle that the implant will eventually fit beneath, drains that remove fluid from the cavity as healing takes place, limited arm mobility and use, exchange surgery to replace expanders with the implants, surgeries to correct symmetry, fat grafting to help with skin ripples, possible nipple reconstruction, nipple tattoos, dealing with a variety of complications and infections, scarring from incisions that aren't hidden, and a future of implant replacement every 10 years or so. Plus, the womans breasts, nipples, and chest wall are now numb, forever. 

If a woman who is having a mastectomy chooses to be excited about reconstruction and getting implants, good for her. But let HER say that. I, on the other hand, am mourning the loss of my natural breasts and would prefer to just keep them, as they are. 

"Hey, no more periods! Or birth control!"

I feel very fortunate that I was able to have my 3 beautiful babies while I was young. I was also blessed with peace and knowledge that our family was complete after our third child. It wasn't very difficult for me to cope with losing my fertility. But, most women are not so lucky. 

Many women wrestle with the right timing to remove their ovaries. They live with fear of getting cancer, with doctors telling them the dangers or keeping their ovaries past 35. They know they can't do much to screen for ovarian cancer. But they desire to have babies. This is especially difficult for women who haven't married yet. They also have to make tough decisions about harvesting and preserving their eggs. Which is difficult, expensive, and not always successful in producing a future baby. 

I FEEL for these women!!! I can't imagine never having felt a child grow inside me. Or the exhilaration of birthing my babies. Most women consider periods a welcome nuisance in exchange for the opportunity to be pregnant someday.