Last week I was feeling quite comfortable and happy with the breast size we had achieved by adding saline (weekly) to my expanders. But, I still decided to go have one more fill. I had a few reasons for this. First, I'm a VERY indecisive person. I literally have to read everything on the menu at any restaurant we go to, before I can decide what to order. It's a problem. I never wanted to wonder (after my expanders are replaced by permanent implants) if I chose the right size. I wanted to see what bigger was like, while I can still reverse my decision. Saline can be removed. Or, smaller implants can be chosen at the time of surgery, even if expanders are larger. I just wanted to make sure I really thought this all through.
Also, I'm part of a group on Facebook (BRCA Sisterhood) with women who have this gene mutation. Most have been through or are going through the same surgeries as me. I've been asking them how they feel expander size compares to implant size. Since the shape and texture is so different, they sit differently in the body. All the women responded that their implants seem smaller than the expanders did. They are softer and project less. This made me think that I should deal with a larger expander size over the summer, so things will hopefully be ideal at exchange surgery, which is scheduled for August 31.
But, the extra fill turned out to be a bad idea. See the picture above? That's how I feel. I have had pain with my previous fills, but it's been muscle pain. After a few days, the muscle gets used to being lifted, and the pain mostly subsides. But this weeks pain is different. It's not just the muscle. It's all around the whole chest area. It feels like my skin is stretched to the max but the expander is still bigger than the cavity. So, the expanders are trying to find room elsewhere. They are seeping into my armpits and up into my neck and in towards my sternum. It burns. And the pain isn't subsiding. It's much more than the muscles. Also, it feels like nerves are pinched. I can tell that my body doesn't like this. It doesn't feel right, and I don't think it would be wise to keep this size all summer. It's not worth the pain and possible damage to my body.
Plus, I went and tried on swimsuits and bras. My doctor recommends doing this throughout the expansion process. This current chest size is out of proportion with my body. When I find a swimsuit that fits my torso/hips/body, the chest doesn't fit right. I spill out of it and it's too tight up top. What if the implants end up the same size as the expanders? I'll have a really difficult time finding clothes that fit comfortably. I'd rather feel too small than too big, for the rest of my life. That decision took some thought, but I've decided.
So, I want to remove the 60cc per expander that was injected last week. Problem is, my doctor is out of town this upcoming week. She can't see me till a week from Tuesday. I'm so uncomfortable and am really depressed that I have to deal with this for another week and a half. If I didn't have anything going on in life right now and I could sit around and rest, maybe I'd be ok with it. But, this is the last week of school and there is TONS going on. Field trips, talent shows, field days, parties, presentations, etc. And we have friends coming into town over the weekend. We are showing them around Salt Lake, going hiking, Park City alpine slide, Temple Square, and picnics. I really want to enjoy the days we have with them.
Overall, I need to suck it up, adjust my attitude, take lots of ibuprofen, and smile. I suppose everything can't go perfectly. I'll take this setback over other possibilities. I just keep crossing my fingers that my body can handle this excessive pressure and doesn't retaliate with an infection or something. That's still a big fear I have.
I might be able to take this all in stride a bit better, but I've also had some bad news about my ankle. I saw an orthopedic surgeon the other day, but that's a story for another day.
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