11 Days Post Op

The last couple of days have been pretty good :) I'm SO glad that I've had this many days to recover. Things look brighter as time moves on. It's hard to feel so slow and tired and incapable of doing normal life. But, I have added some tasks to my days. I'm making kids school lunches. I can push laundry hampers with my feet from the laundry room to the couch. I can wipe down kitchen counters (I swear, how can those get dirty 20 times a day?!). I have started sleeping in bed, rather than the recliner, which has helped a bit with back pain. But I'm still flat on my back which is miserable, and I need help getting up and down. I'm getting used to the heavy feeling in my chest. I can breath a bit deeper, which my dr says is really important to prevent pneumonia. 

I got two drains out on Tuesday!!! That didn't feel great, but only having two left feels much more manageable. I should get the other two out next week. I still can't drive, which is annoying, but probably good. It keeps me from overdoing it. 

I'm so so grateful for all of the millions of kindnesses that people have shown me and my family. It's been more than I ever could have expected. People are good and thoughtful and sincere. I want to be better, like those around me.

Just taking life one day at a time. This is definitely a marathon, not a sprint. I need to find some endurance. 

What's It Really Like?

http://www.prevention.com/health/what-its-like-to-get-a-mastectomy

Sorry for all of the article links lately! I just keep finding great stuff and want to keep for reference. The above article really shows how each woman deals with mastectomy so differently. There is no "one size fits all" emotion. It's so personal. 

Short Video

Awesome 2 minute explanation of BRCA gene mutation. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=UasHCMudOO0

Article

This article had some good insights. 

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/advice/a47123/double-mastectomy-charley-wood/

Blah!

I feel like garbage. I'm tired. I have an upset stomach. Sleep is tough. My back aches. I feel tight and hot and uncomfortable. I have a headache. These drains are leaving me feeling like a prisoner in my own house. And I'm continually reminded that so many others are dealing with things so much worse than me. Which makes me feel lots of guilt for feeling "down". And crying, actually, doesn't help. It just makes my nose stuffy. And people ask how they can help. People are kind. But the truth is, there's not much anyone can do. Unless they can fast forward time. So thank you for asking, but I'm just gonna have to keep pushing through the days. Nobody else can do that for me. And I am grateful for the millions of kind things people have said/done/brought, etc. And I know I'm not a very high quality person because I'm not smiling through all of this. I'm just sick of this. And it hasn't even been a week. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. 

Be Successful!

Home!

I'm home! Yippee! It has been good to see my kids and not have nurses poking at me. I'm trying to keep my pain under control, but also being careful not to take too many meds. Pain meds, and their addictive nature, terrify me. My dr has me on dilaudid (I think that's what it's called). It's in the morphine family. And I'm also on round the clock ibuprofen for the next few weeks, for swelling and inflammation. I'm also dealing with nausea/loss of appetite and constipation. Anesthesia, mixed with my other meds, hasn't been very gentle on my system. And I'm trying to stay hydrated. We thought I had a UTI for a bit, but things have gotten better. I didn't want to add more antibiotics to my  mix of meds, so I'm relieved. They had me on continuous IV antibiotics while I was in the hospital. Also, an anti-inflammatory drip of some sort. 

Jonathan is amazing. He's taking charge of everything and making it easy for me to rest. He helped me take a shower last night, which was much needed. Kids lunches have been made, dishes have been done, and piano lessons have been attended. Today, two of my three kids have school programs. He is going to go with my mom to those. I'm sad to miss them :( But I was able to go watch the dress rehearsals last week. So cute! 

Hospitals & Drains

Hospitals aren't the best. I'm grateful for them, but prefer to get in and out as quickly as possible. Plus, they were doing construction on the floor beneath me, so it was incredibly loud through the day. Impossible to sleep. At least they didn't hammer and drill through the night. 

At night, I was able to get some sleep, which I'm so grateful for! But, I can only sleep on my back, slightly inclined, which is very unusual for me. It's taking some getting used to. I wake up with a really dry throat, because back sleeping makes me breathe through my mouth. It's mostly obvious why I can't sleep on my stomach (ouch!), but I found out why, aside from pain. If I were to sleep on my stomach, there would be hours of pressure against my breast skin. My body is trying so hard to maintain good circulation to the traumatized skin. Pressure would cut off blood supply to the capillaries in my thin remaining skin.  Especially the nipples. 

And my sides are off limits for sleep also because that is where the drainage tubes exit my body. Two on each side. Putting pressure on the tubes would inhibit the drainage that is trying to leave my body. If it can't escape, it builds up inside of my cavity and causes infection. 

WARNING: Skip the next pic if blood/bodily fluids gross you out. I think it's quite disgusting and I get nauseous dealing with my drains. 

I have two of these bulbs, attached to tubes, on both of my sides. They exit and are sutured in under my arm pits. I don't plan to leave the house till these are gone. Gross! I will likely have two tubes removed in the next week or two, and the other two a bit longer. As long as drainage is still working its way out, they won't remove them. So, I have to empty the bulbs 4 times a day, measure the volumes of each tube individually, and record it on my drainage log. Also, I have to strip the tubes. That is what they call it when you squeeze everything from the tube down into the bulb, before emptying and measuring. If I don't strip the drains, clots build up in the tubes and inhibit drainage from getting out. I have to be really careful when stripping the tubes, because I don't want to accidentally pull the tubes out of my body. 

Other Side

Well, I'm on the other side of the beast. It's 5:00pm now. Surgery started at 7:30am and went 5 hours. I'm in pain, more on the left side than the right. And exhausted. And hungry. I'll try to eat soon. Nausea, comes and goes. And my brain is foggy, so I'm done for now. Or I'll start saying weird stuff. I feel confused. But both surgeons said things went well and looked good in there. I can't wait to hear back from pathology. Hope we did this soon enough. 

Sad Roll

This is hilarious! And so true! Love it!

https://www.facebook.com/brightside/videos/889774387817972/

Things to Expect

http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/angela-mastectomy-issues/?utm_source=bcs-bcsfan&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=20160415&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=angela-mastectomy-issues&origin=bcs_bcsfan_social_fb_link_angela-mastectomy-issues_20160415

Wierd Dreams

I had the weirdest dream/nightmare last night. I think the horrible delays during my last surgery are putting my brain in a panic. Last time my surgery was scheduled for 3:00. I had a check-in time of 1:30. Because of previous surgeries taking longer than expected, I didn't get back to the OR till 7:30. It was so frustrating and annoying. Plus I was starving and cranky. 

This time, I'm the first surgery of the day, so delays shouldn't be an issue. But in my dream, I ended up waiting 5 hours after I got there, looking for the doctor (who had forgotten about my surgery). Nurses were helping everyone else before me. I was sitting around, feeling helpless, and just wanting my turn! When something is such a long time coming, waiting can be so painful. Then I woke up, before I even got my IV. Ahhhhh! Really hoping things go according to plan this time around. And I know I need more patience. For sure. 

Knitted Knockers

http://www.knittedknockers.org

Ok. This is seriously SO cool! What an amazing group of volunteer woman, doing something that uniquely improves the lives of women all over the world. I had no idea this was even a thing! Go to their website and watch one of the videos on the homepage. This makes me want to learn how to knit! What a great cause!

Pre-Op Appointment

Just got home from my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon. They try to do these appts just one day before surgery, but because my surgery is on a Monday, and the dr has a conflict tomorrow (Friday), it ended up being today, Thursday. She had to "mark" me. Basically draw all over and above and below my breasts with a surgical marker. This helps the surgeon, when the patient is lying flat during surgery, with creating incisions in the correct locations, symmetry, etc. So, I get to live the next 4 days covered in marker, clear up to my throat. Good thing it's cold and rainy. I think I'll be wearing scarves.

She also gave me the surgical marker and said to keep tracing over her marks through the weekend, so they don't fade too much with showers and the passing of time. She answered final questions I had. She said that about 10% of the time there is necrosis (death of skin/tissue) which results in further surgeries and tissue grafts. We're hoping this will not be the case for me! She told me she knows this is difficult and that I'm brave. She said that I am in prime health (no smoking, steroids, weight, age, no cancer, etc.) and that she hopes for the optimal outcome. Then she smiled and said "See you Monday!"

Monday. It's going to be a long, strange weekend. And my daughter is coming down with a cold. So I'm off to Clorox wipe the entire house.

Project De Jour

This is a funny story. I've been trying to find a better way to store my earrings. I don't have a ton, but they've all been swimming together in a small jewelry box. Everytime I look for a pair, it frustrates me.

So, I saw this idea online somewhere and decided it was a great solution. 2:30 yesterday I realized I had one free hour till my kids would be home from school. I drove quick to D.I. Found the perfect sized frame for $0.50. Score! Drive to Lowe's. Looked for chicken wire, metal sheeting with some sort of holes, etc. Ran from one far end of the store clear to the other far wall. Everything I was finding came in huge sheets or rolls. I only needed a piece 11"x17".

I found a nice employee named Dale. He's about my dads age. I explained to him what I was making. He tried to help me look around for a smaller piece of somethings, but no luck. Then he said, "I don't mean for this to sound creepy, but I seriously have a whole pile of this stuff at my house. I think it's exactly what you're looking for. You really should just come and take a piece. I've been trying to get rid of it anyway." So, I figured, what the heck! Live on the wild side and go to a strangers house. This is generally not something I would do, but I felt OK about it. Besides, he wouldn't even be there, since he was clearly at work. He gave me his address. It was 9 minutes away. My clock said 3:10. He said it was outside, leaning against his house. I drove there. Jumped out of my van and found the perfect small piece. Left Dale a short thank you note form a post it I had in my van. Drove home. 3:30 exactly! Score!

Anyway, I quickly painted the frame with paint I already had and used wire cutters to cut the piece to size. Hung it on the wall and voila! Project earring organization complete! Thanks Dale!

One Week

I'm on the countdown. One week. One week from right now mastectomy surgery #1 will be done. I'm busy this week: bookclubs, young women stuff, kids school programs, carpools, landscapers starting, errands, friends coming to dinner, etc. Being busy is really good right now because anxiety is starting to set in. I keep having these moments when I think I'm coming down with a stomach bug, and then I realize that I'm just preoccupied with thoughts of the surgery. It makes me sick to my stomach. And it keeps happening over and over again, in waves. Sleep is getting harder and harder. Falling asleep isn't so tough, but when I wake up, I can't fall back asleep. My mind starts wandering and it won't shut down. I also keep panicking that I will get sick this week or that one of the doctors will get sick. I'm not sure why I'm so paranoid about this. I find my self washing my hands excessively and keeping my hands in my pockets so I won't touch anything.

I REALLY don't know how I would handle it if the surgery had to be delayed. I dreampt yesterday that one of the doctors got in a car accident and her hand was disabled. This meant that I had to start from scratch and find a new surgeon. Which meant waiting for appointments and months before surgery could be scheduled again. It was horrible. 

Also, it's strange to try to visualize what I will look like after next week. It's scary. I keep looking at myself thinking, "this is as good as it gets." The unknown feels very dark. 

Anyway, moment by moment, Monday is drawing nearer. I want this bandaid ripped off. ASAP!

Carry On

I was driving today. Beautiful spring day. Sun shining. Windows down. Fresh air. And the song "Carry On" (by Fun.) came on the radio. For some reason it made me emotional. I turned the music up, sang loud, shed a few tears, and felt like it was the perfect anthem for the moment. 

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone.

Carry on.

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground.

Carry on.

The Masters

You know where you'll find me this weekend. Enough said. 

Creme Brûlée

Happy birthday to this man :) You'd never guess he's 38, would you?! It's always kind of fun when his birthday is over conference weekend, because we get to stay home, veg, and eat. Which is just what we did. FOOD! We had eggs     Benedict, fruit, and juice for breakfast. Then between sessions we had homemade cafe rio style pork, with all the fixings, which had been in the crockpot since the night before. Lime cilantro rice and tomatillo dressing included :) Lastly, we had creme brûlée. This is probably Jonathan's favorite dessert, and he requested it over cake. 

This is what it looks like after it comes out of the oven. Perfect custard. Then it chills for at least an hour. Last but not least, you sprinkle white sugar on top of each ramekin... And blow torch the heck out of it!

And you end up with that perfect, crunchy, carmelized sugar layer. The "cracking" sound as you break the spoon through the crust is real happiness. For sure :)

LDS Conference Kid Activity

This was awesome fun! I gave my kids a paper with just the names of the 12 apostle's and first presidency. They were also given a small picture of each of the men's faces. As they watched conference, they matched the face to the name, and glued it above the tie. Then, they colored the tie to match what the man was wearing. This definitely helped them stay involved and interested! We will totally do this again in October :)

Soft Pretzels

Our family has an LDS church general conference tradition of making homemade soft pretzels. And dipping them in our favorite honey mustard dipping sauce. The unique thing about homemade pretzels is that you boil the uncooked dough before you bake the pretzels. And the boiling happens in water that is saturated with baking soda! So cool! That's what gives the pretzel its distinctive sour, salty, chewy taste and texture. 

We have decided that pretzel sticks are way easier to make/boil than actual pretzel shapes, so we go with that. Plus, I can fit way more sticks on a baking sheet. Here are the sticks in the boiling water. They stay there for about 60 seconds. Then you carefully fish them out and place them on a cooling rack to drain. After that, they go on a greased cookie sheet. An egg wash gets brushed on, followed by a sprinkling of course salt. Then they're baked :)

LOVE! I'm drooling right now. Not sure why, but these things hit the spot. And here's our favorite sauce. Perfect combo. But this item can only be purchased "seasonally" at Costco. So stock up! And happy conference weekend!

Science

This shirt still kills me 😂😂😂!!! We took our kids to this amazing chemistry day at the U of U over the weekend. So many hands on experiments and big science demos. We had a great time-and it was FREE! They do this twice a year, spring/fall, and we plan to go again. I so badly want my kids to be excited about science! It's so important!

Organizing Therapy

I've learned something about myself. When I feel stress, overwhelmed, or when I simply don't have control over something in my life, I turn to organizing/cleaning. I think it's my way of regaining control over something. And it puts my mental crazy into action mode, which helps. I often need to find/create order externally to calm myself internally. I've been feeling anxiety about my upcoming surgery and have found myself wanting to clean and get my house in order. Which is really tricky when the kids are home for spring break! But, I did manage to go through the laundry room cabinets.

I threw a bunch of stuff away. Dusted. Rearranged by like categories. Repositioned shelves. The works. It felt great! I guess I should just be grateful that my coping mechanism is productive and not destructive. And it's way cheaper than therapy. 

Italian Meatball Soup

This soup was definitely a hit! Everyone in my family devoured it!

I basically combined a few different recipes I found online. But the main ingredients are:

Beef broth

Tomatoes

Mushrooms

Onions

Zucchini

Garlic

White beans

Spinach

Carrots

Meatballs (of course!)

Bow tie pasta (on the side, to add per bowl)

I was in a rush, so I just used the frozen meatballs from Costco. They actually gave the soup a really good flavor. And I hate mushy pasta, so I cook my noodles separate, leave them on the side, and put a spoonful in each bowl of soup. Voila!

"Snack Box"

I have this amazing friend, Erin Boyle, who was recently interviewed for a podcast. Here's the link:

http://www.thelifebeatsproject.com/erin/

One specific thing Erin talks about in this podcast is her love of vegetables and her mission to get kids to eat more veggies. I became inspired and decided to try something myself, in an attempt to help my kids love veggies. We call it the "snack box".

My kids think it's totally exciting! They get to pull the snack box out of the fridge whenever they want, along with ranch dressing, hummus, etc. They've definitely eaten more veggies since i put this together. And it makes snack time super easy. LOVE! Thanks Erin!