One Week

I'm on the countdown. One week. One week from right now mastectomy surgery #1 will be done. I'm busy this week: bookclubs, young women stuff, kids school programs, carpools, landscapers starting, errands, friends coming to dinner, etc. Being busy is really good right now because anxiety is starting to set in. I keep having these moments when I think I'm coming down with a stomach bug, and then I realize that I'm just preoccupied with thoughts of the surgery. It makes me sick to my stomach. And it keeps happening over and over again, in waves. Sleep is getting harder and harder. Falling asleep isn't so tough, but when I wake up, I can't fall back asleep. My mind starts wandering and it won't shut down. I also keep panicking that I will get sick this week or that one of the doctors will get sick. I'm not sure why I'm so paranoid about this. I find my self washing my hands excessively and keeping my hands in my pockets so I won't touch anything.

I REALLY don't know how I would handle it if the surgery had to be delayed. I dreampt yesterday that one of the doctors got in a car accident and her hand was disabled. This meant that I had to start from scratch and find a new surgeon. Which meant waiting for appointments and months before surgery could be scheduled again. It was horrible. 

Also, it's strange to try to visualize what I will look like after next week. It's scary. I keep looking at myself thinking, "this is as good as it gets." The unknown feels very dark. 

Anyway, moment by moment, Monday is drawing nearer. I want this bandaid ripped off. ASAP!